Life in Vancouver - Chapter 5A

I never realized how exhausted I was from ‘being me’…  until ‘Pandora’s emotional  box’ unexpectedly exploded in my face.  Before that I wasn’t even aware of the fact that I had a box like that.  

It was an ordinary Monday when I suddenly started crying in a pretty dramatic and uncontrolled way.  Comparable to a child who just realized that it was left alone on a parking lot… in the middle of the night.  That’s how inconsolable I was.
I remember what triggered me: someone I deeply care about was furious at me. Like ‘out of his mind’ mad at me. At ME!  No one ever openly disliked me, let alone ‘hate’ me, so I had no idea on how to deal with that.  I was brutally electrocuted out of my body and then thrown back in, that’s how it felt to me.

I lost sight of every perspective and got pulled in by waves of sadness. I remember looking at my life and thinking what an incredible mess it was. As a matter of fact, it still is:
For one… I don’t know how to find my place here in this human puzzle.  That’s a big one for me.
Next to that I miss my Belgian life but I feel like I don’t fit in there anymore either. Quite a catch 22 according to my mind.
I am worried because I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life and I am sad because
I basically don’t even know what I want. So how on earth do I figure out what the next step is?
It’s a marriage between desperation and hopelessness with ‘me’ in the middle.
Damn, I am screwed.

It has been the most intense week of my life so far.
As the days slowly passed by, I had become a ghost within my own body. A stranger who didn’t know how to control it. A woman in labor for nights and days in a row, birthing every emotion that you would call ‘dark’ or ‘negative’.  I never knew when or where a wave would hit me. But when it did… I had no other option then to go with it. Every single time. It’s like having the hiccup; you don’t initiate that on command either.

So I’ve been crying in front of acquaintances, housemates and strangers. At home, in the supermarket, on the street and at the beach.  Sometimes accompanied with a trembling lip, a running nose and/or my shoulders moving up and down;  the whole package.  I probably frightened more than one human being and most likely initiated a lot of compassion as well.   It came to a point where I laughed out loud because of how surreal it had become. After all; who does that in public?! But it didn’t matter to me, I was way passed the level of shame. For the first time in my life, I was forced to give myself permission to feel like a mess,  look like a mess  and act like a mess…even in public.     

My body was and is having a hard time dealing with all of this.
Exhaustion is still running through my veins and I’ve had a few days in which I couldn’t even leave the house. My nervous system is constantly in over drive and  I can feel my heart beating wildly in my chest. I also feel my body trembling -almost shaking- on the inside. That freaked me out at first, because I’ve never felt that before. But I’ve become friends with it as the days passed by. I have learned to  surrender completely and I am surrounded by the most amazing people who unconditionally love and assist me through this unexpected experience.

A bigger picture is starting to paint itself within the broken pieces of my innocent heart and I have started writing about it. But I don’t want to fully go there yet. I want to be open for more sadness, desperation, hopelessness, loneliness and whatever else can be felt in a human body. I want to be free to allow every feeling that arises, without the need to push it away, change it, fix it, reframe it or throw a spiritual lighting ball at it. I want to learn everything it has to teach me, no matter where the journey takes me.

I have shared my crash course in self-love with my family and a couple loved ones. At a certain point, I wanted to include them and more importantly… I wanted to introduce them to this new part of me. On my request, no one tried to give me advice or change the way I feel.  I really wanted to milk my own permission to feel as miserable as I could possibly feel and they all respected that. Even better; one by one -without any suggestions from my side-  they all found a way to bring me their unique and unconditional love, tailor made for me. I honestly have never  felt as treasured as during the past week.

Today is day six and I am relaxing into this on every level. My body is starting to feel more at ease, I am regaining my energy bit by bit  and the waves seem to decrease their intensity. I have no idea whether the storm is at its final end, but we’ll see how it goes. I do have a growing curiosity and there’s even some excitement right below the surface. An excitement that wants to write about this.
About the lessons that I discovered along the way and the freedom that came with that.
About how life is teaching me one step at the time how to deal with emotions that terrify me.
About the most beautiful reactions of people who crossed my path the past week and about how my relationship with people has become so much more intimate.
About the bigger picture.
And about how delicious it is to be naked, unarmed and uncensored... both with myself and everyone around me.  

The one reason why I would be a little hesitant to share all of this openly is that I might worry some people that care for me. I feel really uncomfortable when people worry about me, you see. Why? First because I believe everybody has enough on their plate already without me crossing their minds.  And secondly… if people worry about me I then translate that as if they don’t believe that I’m strong enough to handle this and grow from it in my own rhythm and pace.

I know that a lot of people see me as an ever shimmering light. I unknowingly jumped through a lot of hoops to keep that mask firmly glued to my personality.  I am ready to let go of that and to share this with you. So that you know that even “the ever shiny, radiant, incredibly loving Kristien”… can be a tremendous mess on the floor. And if you too ever feel like that, then know that you are not alone. That much I can assure you.

Nevertheless  I wouldn’t change a thing of this incredibly intimate experience where I get to meet and embrace my most innocent and fragile self that has been hiding for so long… even for me.

I welcome her with all my heart.